Yes, we did get those on Tues. Well, the tumors didn’t shrink. The oncologist said that they could be “dead” tumors, but there’s no way of knowing that now. We’ll find out about the breast tumor after surgery on the breast.

We see the surgeon on July 14 and find out when surgery is and what kind of mastectomy I’ll have at that point.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed at the results — we had hoped for something more definitive. Dr. Funky Glasses didn’t seem discouraged, however, and we are moving forward. In the meantime, I’m doing my maintenance chemotherapy once/week.
_____________________

In other news, Frank, Nate and I saw my mom yesterday. She was moved to the rehabilitation area of the hospital on Monday. She’s doing well, considering. Her Dr. said that she had a moderate stroke, not a mild one, so we’re adjusting our thinking on that. It seems that she’ll never be able to live alone again. After rehabilitation, she’ll have to go into assisted living. She’s been a huge support for me throughout my illness; obviously that will change. Quite a bit is changing in our family.

She was very glad to see all of us.

That’s about all I have from here. We are both progressing so I have to focus on that, and like I said before, leave the rest of it in God’s hands.

Some days that’s easier to do than others.

I just know we will. It may not be an easy journey for either my mom or me, but I just have this feeling, this indisputable feeling, that we’re both going to come out of our health crises and we’ll be fine. Mom is doing better all the time. Today she moved her left arm; it’s not paralyzed. I had a good weekend, and thanks to good prescriptions, I wasn’t sick. So I truly think we’ll be fine.

Call it a feeling; better yet call it faith. I have placed my faith in God. He’s lead us to amazing doctors and other medical staff who are taking good care of us. With medicine, prayers, and faith, we’ll be OK.

I may sound mysterious, but that’s OK. Some things are beyond the ability to sufficiently describe. Right now, right this moment, I have a peace that The Holy Spirit travels with me, has infused my being.

If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31

I learn the results of my CT scan tomorrow. I’m much less anxious about this one than I was the previous one. For whatever the results show, much of it is out of my control. That which is in my control, I will work on. That which is out of my control, I will let go of and let the doctors and God take care of.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

I’m OK. I’ll be OK. Mom will be OK.

By the grace of God, we’ll be OK.

Earlier this week, when I was still very sick and at the oncologist’s office getting IV fluids and the nurse and the medical assistant were taking care of me, I was getting upset. Just the usual upset because you don’t feel good, haven’t felt good in quite awhile, and I was trying to tell them everything that had been going on, was going on, and I said:

My mommy had a stroke on Saturday.

I don’t think I’ve called my mom “Mommy” since I was nine years old, but at that moment, she went back to being “my mommy,” as the tears started to flow down my cheeks as my favorite nurse, Racer, lead me gently over to the scales, softly scratching my back on the way over and back to my chair. Racer must have known that she had to be the one to take care of me, and she was right. I’ve always clicked with her. She jokes around a lot, but this past week she was serious, caring, and letting me take charge of my treatment as much as she could, giving me back some power in this whole mess in which we patients feel so powerless. “What do you want, Judy? Do you want another full bag of fluids? Do you still feel crappy?” “Yes, Racer, I still feel crappy. I’m still dizzy. I’ve only gotten up out of this chair once today.” “OK, then we better give you a whole bag. It’s better than the alternative which is admittance to the hospital.”

At one point I called Racer “Florence” as in “Florence Nightingale.” She said she had never been called Florence Nightingale before. Racer’s boyfriend races stock cars (hence the nickname), she dyes her hair this kind of cool red/orange, she’s edgy, and when I told her that I had dyed my hair pink temporarily, she told me that once she dyed her hair pink to match a pink race car. Oh yeah!! My kind of nurse. She’s also the most competent nurse there, for my money. She is the only one who tells you what she’s doing when she’s doing it, she remembers things that you’ve asked her, and she really takes a caring approach to all of her patients. I love Racer.

This past week was tough, but with Racer’s help all three days at the oncologist’s office, I got through it. She asked me what I needed, I told her, and I felt like she advocated for me. Every once in awhile, on her way past my chair she would call out, “How are you doing, Judy?,” just to check up on me. I’m so much better now. Today I worked a full day at work. I’m exhausted, but I did it.

As for my mom:

She’s doing quite well, all things considered. As strokes go, hers was a “mild” one. She can walk, she can talk even though she can’t speak as well as she did before — that will come. There’s still a question about her left arm, but they think it will be OK. The main concern right now is that she’s not swallowing well and they need to re-teach her to swallow. This is our biggest concern because she has to have someone with her every time she tries to eat or the food/drink could go down the wrong pipe and she could easily choke. Because of that, today they put a feeding tube in her because she wasn’t getting enough nutrition; it was taking too much energy and time for her to try to eat. Now, she’ll get the nutrition that she needs to get stronger and she can focus on re-learning the things that she needs to.

Every time I talk to Mom, she asks me to give Nate a hug from her. How she loves Nate. How he loves her.

I want to visit, but I’m being cautious and not doing so because my immune system is weak at this point and of course, ironically, a hospital is probably the worst place for me to visit right now. She understands. As soon as I get some of my strength back, I can visit her. It will probably be when she’s in rehab. The hospital has a rehab wing which is where she’ll go next, possibly on Monday. After that, if she needs more rehabilitation, she’ll go to another rehab place. If not, then she’ll move to an assisted living place. My sister, J., will look at assisted living places around where Mom lives the next few days.

My pastor visited Mom in the hospital last night. He’s such a sweet man. He called me tonight to get updates on me and on my mom and we had some prayer over the phone. I haven’t been to church in awhile, for obvious reasons, and I miss it. I told him that we’d try to go back as soon as we could.

My mom, myself.

Down but not out.

Not by a long shot.

I’m done!!!

With the last full-dose chemo, that is!

Glory Hallelujah!!

My body tolerated chemo pretty well until the past three weeks, and then the past three weeks have been utter hell, the last week especially. So today, having the chemo or postponing it until next week was my decision. My decision. Can you imagine how wonderful that felt, that my own medical treatment was left up to ME? So I said, yes, we can go ahead with treatment, given these conditions: that I get something to help with diarrhea in case I get it after this treatment.

I was told Immodium and I said, “NO, that doesn’t work.” So I was given a precription, Lomotil, that I’ve heard is a miracle drug for diarrhea. Good! I was also given a drug, Anzemet, that I can use in addition to Phenergen, for nausea. And I was told to call immediately if I get bad side effects this time.

So I said “Yes” to going ahead with treatment, my very last full-dose chemo treatment this time.

Last night I had my CT scan, next Tuesday we’ll meet with Dr. Funky Glasses to go over the results of the CT scan and talk more about the mastectomy. At this point, I’m leaning towards a single mastectomy for various reasons, but I want a few more answers from her. I also need to talk to my surgeon in mid-July before I can make a definite decision.

But now, I am DONE DONE DONE!! And today was the first time I actually slept in the Chemo Room. Will wonders never cease?

I. Am. Done.

Hallelujah!!

I always thought I’d be upset if I had to postpone a treatment.

I wasn’t.

After the hell I went through last week, I was fine with postponing today’s treatment. I went into the oncologist’s office, they did my bloodwork like they always do, and it’s still “pretty good,” although my hemoglobin is kind of low which partly explains my overwhelming fatigue. Well, so does being sick for 4 days straight. Today’s excellent nurse, Race Car (she actually works with race cars for fun, sooooo cool!!!), talked to Dr. Funky Glasses and Dr. FG decided no chemo today because my potassium levels were way too low. So, instead of chemo I got more fluids today, 4 hours worth, mixed with potassium. I also got a prescription of potassium which, if you’ve never seen these pills, are HUGE!! HOLY HORSE PILLS, BATMAN!!!

So I’m to still have my CT scan tomorrow and will go back to the oncologist’s office on Thursday. If my bloodwork is OK and my potassium level is at an acceptable level, I’ll then have my very last chemo. If not, I guess it will be postponed until next week.

At this point, I’m OK with whatever happens as long as I don’t get as sick as I did during this past week.

Either way, I’m almost done with chemo.

Almost there.

There’s not much to report on my mom yet. I think we’ll know more tomorrow when the 72 hours have passed and they can tell more about her left arm. However, my sisters tell me that she’s cranky which is a good sign . Heh. Yep, that’s Mom. She’s doing well, overall. She’s where she should be — getting physical therapy, occupational therapy, and in good hands at the hospital. I’m going to try to call later today or tonight.

As for me, I called my oncologist’s office and plead my case to a very nice phone nurse. I’m going into the office today at 1:45 to get IV fluids to get me better set up for treatment tomorrow, and the nurse did tell me that there are better drugs that they can give me for vomiting and diarrhea so that I won’t have such an awful week this coming week like I did last week. Thank God.

Frank is on his way home to take me to the oncologist’s office. I’m going to change out of my pajama pants just for the occasion. Whoopee! I’m not going to worry about eyebrows and eyelashes though; they’ll just have to deal with the rest of me the way that I am. I might wet down my hair though. After I sleep, I end up with this tuft of hair at the top of my head that looks suspiciously like some kind of bird.

*chirp*

One of my good church friends actually wrote me a very touching prayer via email which brought me to a blubbery mess — the good kind, you know. The very last thing that he said is what I want to share with so many of my friends who are going through difficult times:

God is as close to you as the air you breathe!

My oldest sister, J., called me with an update on my mom. Her left arm is paralyzed. The first 72 hours after a stroke will tell how things will progress — paralysis will get better, worse, or stay the same.

Needless to say, we’re all praying for it to get better.

Last night I tried to explain to Nate what had happened to his grandma in words he would understand. It’s so hard, knowing what to say to a 6 year old. I told him that she had a stroke which means that part of the brain stops working for a bit and that makes some parts of the body stop working too. I said that she was in the hospital and doctors were helping her get better. He asked if she would die. *cry* I said that she was doing well and not likely to die from this stroke.

When I went to call her, Nate said to me:

What if Grandma is busy getting chemotherapy?

Wow, the poor kid.

My heart hurts. I know I can’t protect him from all the hurt in our family, but I so wish I could. People say that kids are resilient and he’ll be fine, but I worry so much for him.

72 hours. Dear God, give us some good news in 72 hours (after the stroke).

Lord knows this family could use it.

My oldest sister, J., called with an update. My mom did have a stroke, on the right side of her brain. She’s talking and coherent, which is good. The left side of her mouth is droopy and apparently there’s a question of whether there’s any paralysis on her left side.

Now her friends who went over to check on her say that it doesn’t look like it happened last night, but probably this morning, although we may never know. They say that because her bed was made, and it looked like she was getting ready to come down here to see us.

J. is coming tomorrow and will stay with us here. She’ll be able to go to the hospital from our house.

It’s hard that I can’t see her, but I’m too weak and my immune system is too compromised at this point. Right now, it’s even hard to talk because of what my throat has been through, but I’ll talk to her when I can and send up all of my prayers for my mom

It seems our family needs all the prayers and good thoughts you can give.

I lie there and the dark thoughts just don’t stop. I had 24 hours of vomiting/diarrhea and then the diarrhea came back. I think it’s finally over, thank God, but I am weak weak weak. We did put in a call to the on-call Dr., for all the help that was. *shrug* It wasn’t my doctor; I’d like to think that she would have had a bit more to say than “if she gets sick again, go to the ER.” OK, he had a few more words than that, but not by much.

But that’s the least of it. My mom was supposed to come down this weekend to help, and as the hours passed and she wasn’t here, I started to get really worried. I called my one sister who lives about 2 hours from Mom and she got on the phone to try to figure things out. A good family friend went over to Mom’s apartment complex and had someone get into Mom’s apartment. It turns out that Mom had fallen in her bathtub last night. She’s now in the ER and my sister M. drove down to be with her. M. said that one side of Mom’s mouth seems droopy so she wonders if she had a stroke.

Things are just really hard right now. I’m too weak to see my mother and for most of today I was alone with Nate, save a few hours when I got a friend to take him.

I really appreciate all of the kind words everyone has had for me lately, and actually throughout all of this. The one bright spot is that I did receive the extra sick leave so I now have another 240 hours. After that, I’ll draw on vacation time.

I wish I could respond to each of you individually with the last few posts, but I just don’t have the energy right now. Just know that each and every word helps. Thank you. Also, prayers or good thoughts would be most appreciated for my mom right now.

yes, again.

So if you’ve sent a request for the password, I’ll get to it when I’m sure that this vomiting/diarrhea has indeed stopped. Sorry for the TMI.