Somehow, I don’t think I’ve been humbled as much as I’m going to be in this cancer journey. I think the humility that I’ve had to experience is just the tip of the iceberg, really. It’s not always easy either, humbling yourself, accepting other peoples’ offers of help, gifts, whatever it is that they have to give. What I’ve received so far has been relatively “easy” to accept — gifts, prayers, good thoughts, dinners from church people, assistance in other ways.
At the hospital or the doctor’s office, I’m humbled in so many ways, but then again, I expect it there. People are taking care of me. I’m sometimes in a gown, exposed but not quite. There was the time that there was a simple misunderstanding with a nurse in the Chemo Room and it was during a “bad” week, I was feeling very emotional, and I started crying. All that just because I was confused about my schedule. It’s vulnerable stuff. Very humbling.
But this stuff at work just about has me undone. For some reason, asking for donations of peoples’ sick or vacation leave here at work is putting me over the edge; I don’t know why. Every time I look at this stuff, read the email from the lady in charge of it, print out the forms, I start crying. It’s the most humbling I’ve gotten so far, I guess. Maybe it’s because it’s my workplace, where I’m supposed to be the strongest, the most in charge — ?? I don’t know. But I’m having such a hard time with this. I suppose that’s why I’ve put this stuff off for so long, procrastinated until I could no longer procrastinate with it.
Here’s where my name will be put out there, “Judy —– needs people to donate hours for her sick leave,” and then I’ll see how many people step forward. Maybe that’s what has me anxious, undone. How many will step forward? What if very few do? I don’t know. Is this finally the measure of my worth here? I’ve had some, a few people here tell me that they’d be willing to donate some time for me which is very nice of them, but I’m going to need so very much time. It’s a difficult thing to ask for. Everyone has the right to their own sick leave, vacation leave, after all. What if they need it themselves?
I just never thought I’d be in this position. I look in the mirror and I have dark, dark circles under my eyes; they seem to never go away. I’m tired, and some of my blood counts were again below average yesterday. There’s some shot they might give me if they get just a little bit lower. “Maybe next week,” the nurse said. The counts aren’t quite low enough yet. I just want to get the shot and not miss a treatment; that’s my big concern.
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There’s so much I wish I could do for my boy too. Last night he was talking about going on vacation and it was breaking my heart, telling him again that we can’t go on vacation this year.
But my friend, L., she just went on vacation, so we can go on vacation. I really want to go on vacation, Mom.
I have no vacation time, you see. I had to use up all of my vacation time for all of this time off that I’m taking. So I explain, once again, that we just can’t take a vacation this year. I feel badly, Nate so loves going to the beach and spending time there. We all love it, as a family. We get away, just the three of us and spend time playing on the beach, relaxing, playing in the ocean. It’s perfect family time away. We’ve done it together the past 3 years, I think. He expects it now, but it’s not to be. I tell him we can’t.
Oh, that’s right,
he says, sounding disappointed.
We can’t go because you have breast cancer.
That’s the truth of the matter. We can’t go because I have breast cancer. I wanted to cry but I held it in.
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Well, isn’t this a depressing post. Maybe my posts should carry warnings on them. I hope to have a happy post soon. I hope my “results” post will be a happy one, although every time I think of the results I get all emotional too.
It’s just all too much to think about at once.
I’m overwhelmed with everything.
And unfortunately, there are no breaks with this stuff.
It just keeps coming.
Tags: Cancer
