I find I keep reminding myself, or Frank, that “it’s week three.” Why is this so significant? Well, as I’ve mentioned before, my life now revolves around four-week cycles, and week three is my hardest week of every cycle. This is when the concentration of my meds are at their highest, when I’m at my tiredest, my crankiest, when I’m feeling most beaten down physically and emotionally. This is the time when, as I call them, “the dark thoughts” are more likely to be around, when I’m going to hit Frank with some hypothetical, “Sooooo, if I’m not around, what do you think you’ll do with Nate in X situation? This is what I think would be best.” Yeah, not always a real pleasant conversationalist either. 
The other day, I wanted to discuss where Nate might go to high school “if I’m not around.” Thinking about this after the fact, all I can say is, “Poor Frank.”
I think it’s exacerbated now because of course I’m anxious about the upcoming CT scans on Monday. I so want for those to have good news. Well, DUH!!, OF COURSE I do! These are the first scans I’ll have since undergoing all of this and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t some combination of scared and . . . I don’t know what. I’m putting a hell of a lot on those scans even though I know that if the scans are less than what I’d like them to be, it’s not the end of the world. The oncologist said “at least six months of chemo” at the start of all of this and we’re about half-way to that point so even some progress will be good.
I just want it to be more than “some progress.” I want there to be a great deal of progress. I just can’t get past that.
So, yeah, I’m trying to be as normal as possible to the people around me. It’s mostly that I can’t stand myself right now, but you know how that is — you really just can’t get away from yourself. Oh, I’m snippy and at least a bit on edge, and I suppose we’ll see what the rest of the weekend brings. There’s still time for a meltdown or two, but I’m really hoping I can keep things in check. These people I love don’t deserve that. Maybe I can melt down in private like I sometimes do.
ARGH!! It’s WEEK THREE, people, WEEK THREE!! Nate has two birthday parties this weekend! I’ll be around a lot of little people screaming and running around!!! What the heck am I supposed to do with myself?!
Maybe I’ll just go quietly nuts at one of the parties, start rocking in the corner, sucking my thumb, and singing to myself.
Naaaaaah, not my style.
I’ll get through it. Somehow.
Here’s hoping you don’t see me on the evening news.
Heh.
