Posted by: justenjoyhim | March 14, 2008

concentrating on HEALING

instead of dying . . . or when I might die . . . or the amount of time the oncologist “gave” me . . . or any of that kind of stuff.

It’s an important lesson for me, one that I need to learn over and over and over again. And then when I think I may have learned it for the last time, guaranteed, I’ll need to be reminded of it again sometime.

Last night my wonderful friend A. left a message on my home answering machine while I was taking a much-needed nap. I called her back and we talked for a good 45 minutes. I adore A. She’s not only an incredible friend who I’ve known for nearly 20 years, but she’s also what I call one of my spiritual mentors. She really is. She has a solid relationship with the Lord, one that I admire, even though she tells me all the time that it’s a daily struggle for her. I noticed something about A. when I first knew her — we worked together, me as a librarian and she as a student worker. I used to ask her how it was that she was so happy, so seemingly at peace, and her answers always revolved around the same message:

I have God in my heart,

she would say, smiling. I wanted what she had. I so did, and though I believed in God and Jesus, I didn’t have the deep relationship with Christ that she did. I’ve been and am working on that now. It’s a struggle, especially now, but one that I believe is incredibly worthwhile despite a lot of doubt and heartache.

So A. and I talked. I told her about my anger, my rage with God. I am brutally honest with her, as she wants me to be. I started out crying, saying that my life is full of contradictions right now, the biggest being that this Sunday I’m becoming a member of my church right at the moment when I’m filled with the most rage at God.

I told her why. I told her that I’m deeply afraid of leaving Nate a motherless child and how unfair that would be.

It’s something that she has personal experience with, because you see, A.’s own mother died when she was about 10-years-old and she went to many foster homes until her oldest brother and his wife were old enough to take her in.

She said that even when her mom was alive, her mother wasn’t fully present and she learned that the one thing she could count on was God.

Whether you believe in the devil or darkness or dark thoughts, or whatever, it’s the darkness that I have to fight against. As Kim says, I need to focus on the light. Try to stay in the light. For me, that means, focus on the good in my life. As A. said, don’t think about things like the years that the oncologist “gave” me, but think about Healing.

That whenever those dark thoughts cross my path, I need to STOP them and re-focus on healing thoughts, even if I need to say STOP out loud or something else out loud to STOP the dark thoughts and let the lightness in.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

Good thoughts, loving thoughts, healing thoughts. Healing thoughts. Things to heal, not things to tear down. Things. To. Heal.

Help me out here — what things do you focus on to “stay in the light?”
___________________________

My son and husband are with me, are happy, are loving, are healthy. Frank took Nate sledding yesterday. Nate had “an excellent time” at the babysitter’s house. When he got home, we read from his Children’s Bible — he couldn’t get enough of it.

I had time in The Word, as A. suggested. It’s when I’m having a hard time that I need to read scriptures the most, not decide that I don’t have time or can’t be bothered. As she said, use “the weapons” I have at my disposal, including calling her. Fight to stay in the light. Sometimes it’s a real fight.

The sun was shining, the snow is melting, the world is warming up for spring. I could get outside and walk, even if for 10 or 15 minutes. As A. said, laughing, “Oxygen is good.”

Ah yes, oxygen is good. Laughter is good. Love is good.

Love is good.

Love is.

LOVE

LOVE

The most healing force of all.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:34-35

healing
love

Posted in health, religion

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Responses

You are always in the light Judy. What an inspiring and beautiful post.

By: reunionwritings on March 14, 2008
at 2:08 pm

Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.”

Jeremiah 30:17 “For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.”

By: erinthebeekeeper on March 14, 2008
at 2:15 pm

Dearest Judy, the daily struggle IS part of our relationship with God at many times, in different ways, and I believe wholeheartedly that He understands it, and He waits for us with great patience and love, even as we get angry.

Focusing on healing is a wonderful thing. A. sounds like just what you need right now, and I am so glad she is there for you to lean on.

Hugs to you and your whole family, as always, and every day.

By: Coco on March 14, 2008
at 2:24 pm

What a wonderful post! truly moving and REAL! You’re family is beautiful. I’ll be sending you tons of postive, healing energy. Your truthfulness and honesty says ALOT about the person you are.

By: Buddhamom on March 14, 2008
at 9:12 pm

“…with God all things are possible.” —Matthew 19:26

Judy, this was a wonderful, inspiring post.

Have you ever tried “staying in the light”, literally?

I have purchased a small, desk-top full spectrum light, which is used to help people with seasonal affective disorder. I perch it on my desk, and sit in the bright “sun” light for about 20 minutes each morning, and I have found that it has helped me tremendously this winter.

Perhaps you could try it, and sit and meditate on healing for a little while each day. You could visualize your body getting well, while you sit bathed in the warm light. I really do believe in the power of positive thinking, and I’m so glad you have such a wonderful friend who can help you to focus on good things.

Thinking of you, Judy. xo CGF

By: candygirlflies on March 14, 2008
at 9:24 pm

I’ve been taking a lot of photos looking for the light. Spring is a good time to do that! We have crocuses coming out now and other things about to pop… in a few weeks you will have no more snow and you’ll be out in the sunshine. Visualize that my dear.

If you can get out a take a walk in the woods or at a garden center I have found those to be good places to pray. Do a walking meditation praising God for everything you can think of. The joy of the Lord is our strength so rejoice and again I say rejoice!

Raging against God is sometimes good too. God hears those prayers and they can pull you into a closer connection. An angry relationship is a relationship, right? If you were indifferent that would be darkness. Use your passion to go deeper and expect more.

Have you read C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed? Last Sunday our priest quoted it when he said Lewis said (about his own grief when his wife died) “No one told me how much grief feels like fear.”

I’ll be thinking of you this Sunday and celebrating your church-joining. Blessings and joy and community for you, my sister.

By: cloudscome on March 15, 2008
at 6:50 am

THis is why you inspire me, my dear. All I can say through my tears is you are spot on. Love is where healing begins. Okay, so there’s one more thing… but don’t think that finding this does of another reality doesn’t negate the need, at times, to be angry, angry… it’s both, you know?

By: Tammy on March 15, 2008
at 4:30 pm

My friend with the brain tumor as 5 years to live.A 60 percent chance, anyway. He has two kids. He lost his own dad when he was 4 to heart attack. He had a seizure and nearly got killed when his car went into a 40-foot ravine. That;s when he was told he had this brain tumor. He believes that if could easily have died in that crash, but God had other plans for him. He feels he was given a mission–to find a cure for this thing and to spend as much quality time as he can with his family and friends. I believe that is how is stays in the light.

I was listening to a radio program a while back that interviewed a bunch of nurses. They had worked in emergency rooms and cancer wards and the like. They were each asked, if you had your choice of ways to die, how would you choose. Without exception, they each chose cancer. They said that it gave the loved ones a chance to say goodbye and that, while it would be difficult for them as patients, they knew that it would be easier on their family and friends if they had that closure. They said that loved ones had the most difficult times coping with those who were taken abruptly, like car accidents or heart attacks. I found the fact that they all chose cancer to be quite surprising, and yet I can see why they did. It sucks. We all die. Some are given notice. Most are not. So, you have to ask the question, would you rather know? Or not know? Each choice has its burdens. For now, Just Enjoy Him. Hugs. Jeanne K.

By: soon2b4 on March 15, 2008
at 8:00 pm

Judy, is today your membership day at church? I thought of you and thought perhaps it might be. (If not, sorry my timing is off).

By: abebech on March 16, 2008
at 2:15 pm

What a wonderful post. I will pray for your health and healing. Take care.

By: marynsmommy on March 16, 2008
at 3:28 pm

(((hugs))) right now I have song lyrics running through my head and can only think of a line from a great musical I love, RENT
“measure your life in love”

By: lhjh4 on March 16, 2008
at 4:32 pm

Thanks so much, everyone.

candygirlflies — I actually have one of those. I had forgotten to use it for awhile, and have been using it again lately. Those are great.

Abebech — yes, today we were introduced as new members of the church. :) Yesterday I went to a women’s church retreat which was held at my church.

Today was great — a culmination of something that I’ve felt for a long time. I’ve felt like a member/family of that church for quite awhile so this was like a formality to me, but also very important. Maybe I’ll post about that separately. It was very nice.

Yesterday was quite a powerful day and I don’t quite know how to sum it up. I might try, but I’m not sure I can get it into words, but it was very powerful, very meaningful.

Thanks for asking.

By: Judy on March 16, 2008
at 7:04 pm

Fantastic, Judy! Congratulations.
I’d love to read about it if/when you’re up for it (but I do know that sometimes those things just can’t be articulated).

By: abebech on March 16, 2008
at 8:16 pm

Oncologists giving life spans need to be given their own life span! Excellent way on focusing on things. God is the only one who truly knows and you are doing a great job of working through it! You are such an inspiration to others :)

By: FXSmom on March 16, 2008
at 11:28 pm

Fear or anxiety are two things that I struggle with in my faith walk the most. When I am nervous or fearful, I read Eph 6:10-17 - and pray, asking God to clothe me in His armor. It makes me feel TOUGH. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and you are in my prayers always.

By: Kelly on March 17, 2008
at 2:54 pm

I love to sing when I need an up. Out loud. Songs that comfort me, songs that change my perspective.

“you are my hiding place.
you always fill my heart,
with songs of deliverance.
whenever i am afraid i will trust in you;
i will trust in you.
let the weak say ‘i am strong,
in the strength of the lord’,
i will trust in you.”

By: laura on March 17, 2008
at 7:01 pm

Hi, Judy! First, heartfelt congratulations on becoming a member of your church. It’s so clear in your writing how important your church community is to you, I’m really happy you have found it and have this connection. Although the ceremony may have been a formality in some ways, I think we sometimes don’t celebrate those milestones / formalities enough. I’m glad you did.

I’m with you on love. I fear sometimes that our jaded, cynical attitudes have rendered it passé, but it’s so not. It can heal bodies, souls and entire communities.

Love and healing to you, along with a great big (((((hug))))).

By: Margie on March 18, 2008
at 6:25 pm

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