I had a long Snarky Librarianesque (if not more so) post written out explaining exactly why I wasn’t thrilled that my words were paraphrased and misinterpreted in another post and then were quoted yet again in the comments by the same author.

But I’m not pushing Publish because . . . I need to say it differently. I thought I was going to say it in a briefer fashion, but that ended up not being the case. This does ramble and I’m not sure I’m saying exactly what I want/need to say, but it’s going to stay for now.

First off, a few points:

1. Hyperbole. I wrote a post that I do believe, but yes I was also being somewhat flip when I said in No More NowNow Girl:

If someone really does say, “Adoptive parents are douchebags!” and they are simply venting, what’s the harm? I know that I’m not a douchebag. So really, what’s the harm? Obviously that person is venting; let him/her vent.

I was being hyperbolic, or alternatively, being a hyperbolist (I didn’t even know that word existed; what a great word); in other words, I was using extravagant exaggeration. I do that sometimes just to make a point. Those who know me and/or those who could understand The Spirit Of the post, understood that.

2. I actually do think that venting for the sake of venting is a perfectly fine thing to do. I do not agree with the attitude that I am interpreting from What I Learned From Walt Disney, and that, if I’m correct, is summed up best in: If you don’t like it, quit whining and do something about it.

Take for example, adoptees. I hereby apologize if I stick my size 6 1/2 wide feet into my physically small but figuratively quite big mouth and misspeak. BUT, what I have read on many blogs is that when they say something like, “Wow, adoptive parents are so obtuse” and people call them on it, they feel like their larger point is being missed. OK, perhaps it would be more correct to say that “some aparents are so obtuse” or “aparents can be so obtuse,” but For The Love Of, if they need to vent, let them vent!! I myself have asked that people use “some aparents” or qualify things and I now think that I should have shut my figuratively very large mouth and taken the posts in the spirit in which they were intended instead of focusing on that part of the post.

I feel like I’m making absolutely no sense at all now which wouldn’t surprise me in the least, Chemo Brain being what it is.

OK, let’s try this: if an adoptee comes into contact with 25 aparents saying things that can be construed as entitled or downright offensive to adoptees and then comes into contact with two aparents who not only support but more importantly validate the adoptee’s feelings, WHO is the adoptee most likely going to write about? Those 25 who are not valuing the adoptee for his/her words and for who he/she is. RIGHT?? Sooo, I finally, finally said to myself:

Self, quit taking things so damn personally! If you haven’t done and/or said the things that said adoptee is talking about, then Let. It. Go. and let him/her vent. If you have done or said these things, learn from what this valuable voice is saying.

Something like that.

I feel like I’m talking in circles, but what the hell. I’m going to leave it and see if any of this makes sense or not. At this point, I have no idea anymore.

3. Joy. After reading one of her comments in that post, I’m considering offering Joy a job as my spokesperson except that the pay is lousy and right now a lot of what she would be interpreting would be . . . well, never mind. I’m not just in a great frame of mind a lot these days.

OK, there I go again being flip when what I want to say is: Thank you, Joy. Thank you for saying what you did that put into words for me what I think much better than I’ve been able to lately. It brought me to tears of gratitude. Joy interpreted what I said and meant in my NowNow Girl post partly in the following:

she said so many of the comments by adoptees and first moms, the losers of the triad are dismissed, and now given her huge, understanable upset, my God this woman is a mother of a young child, news that her health is uncertain, she doesn’t know WHAT is going to happen to her, and naturally feels a whole storm of emotions about her own life, what will happen to her child, her husband etc., She was just saying she knows what it is like to marginalized, keep up the happy face, say what is expected, when her authentic self, that she needs support for is sailing off into the distance to keep people comfortable that haven’t half the stress that she is dealing with every day. She was just feeling compassion for those of us losers of the triad.

Yes, yes, and yes!! Exactly! Thank you!!
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HA, you thought I was done, didn’t you? I did too, but I need to say this.

I do not believe in the quit venting and do something like opening up a nonprofit philosophy. Of course, nonprofits are great and more power to those who can take on such an endeavor. However, my bleeding heart liberal self will take one of those hippieish things people say and use it myself because I believe it. There really is too much emphasis in our society on DOing and not enough on BEing and perhaps sometimes what an adoptee IS DOing by venting is learning to become her authentic self. Learning who she is. Learning what she believes. Learning where she fits in this world because where she initially fit was taken away from her.

THAT to me IS of value. THAT to me is just as valuable for that person, that human as opening a non-profit.

Not everyone can start up a nonprofit. Not everyone can make up an incredibly wonderful website that thousands can come to and learn from. But my goodness, telling people that venting isn’t worth anything unless it amounts to something you can see, something quantifiable? No, I don’t buy it.

They are helping themselves but they are also helping those of us parents in adoption with open minds and open hearts learn to be better parents. Even if that’s not their goal, it is accomplishing something.

But so is finding out who they are.

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