In no particular order:
1. I skim the posts in my Reader, only reading some of them in full, especially if they take on “heavy” topics, ones that I’ve kind of tired of . . . . I’ll admit it here — adoption. It’s just that I kind of feel like I’ve said it all in my blog, or maybe I just don’t have the energy for it all right now with Everything Else going on (Everything Else being code for . . . shhhhhhh, cancer).
2. When the posts in my Reader get to a certain number — usually over the 100 mark, and they seem to be more of the serious “I want to put my fingers in my ears and sing lalalalalala,” or I guess put my hands over my eyes and not read and be blissfully ignorant (well, not really, but I pretend I guess), then I hit Mark All As Read and they all go **POOF** and go away.
3. I allow myself this incredible latitude — and I know others allow me this incredible latitude — only because I’m Cancer Girl. I don’t know if it’s a lousy excuse, but I use it nonetheless, without apology.
4. When I have a bad day and write about it here, I find that within a few days, I write that things are going better whether they really are or not. It’s not that I’m lying exactly; it’s just that my expectations for myself are so high and my needing to let others know that I am and/or will be OK are incredibly high. I so don’t want others to worry about me.
5. Anytime I have or do tell someone that I care about that I have cancer, I’ve apologized for it, and I’ve meant the apology. I’m more concerned with causing them pain than with the fact that I have this disease.
6. No matter how good my mood is, there’s an undercurrent of worry running through everything I do and think.
7. No matter how good my mood is, there’s an undercurrent of guilt running through everything I do and think. It’s something that I haven’t written about here, and I’ve only voiced to a certain number of people because it’s so painful for me to talk about.
8. Though I think I look fine with My Cold (Very) Bald Head, I’m extremely self-conscious about it, even with Frank.
9. Winter is never a good time for me. It’s hard for me to stay upbeat and positive in winter during the best of times and I can’t help but blame winter for me having a hard time staying upbeat and positive now during this damn cancer gig. Fucking winter!
10. I don’t always want to talk to the other people during chemotherapy. Sometimes I want to stay in a little cocoon, watching my DVDs and keeping to myself.
11. On the other hand, I want to see my friends, even if they would just come and watch my stupid DVDs with me.
12. I can’t stop buying hats. And pre-tied scarves. Pre-tied because I need more practice tying scarves so it doesn’t look like a 4-year-old tied them. But yeah. Hats. They’ve become an obsession. Yikes!
13. I want to run away from my life.
