I need to let all of you wonderful, uplifting, loving people know that I am OKAY.
I had some very dark, very depressing, very tough days that I did tell you about in the stuff I need to get out. There are times when I don’t know if I “should” share those thoughts, those feelings, and it ends up always, always being the “right” thing to do because I am lifted up, I am demonstrated love time and time again, and I
THANK. YOU.
so very much. You are all The Best. The Very Best.
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So, yes, I wept. Last night, it was almost like when you’re sick and the fever breaks. I was soul-sick and I wept and wept and prayed
God help me, God help me, God help me
until I could find more words than those three. Until I could say what I actually wanted to say without trying to take control, without trying to be God-like myself but to say, “Please, if it is your will, I so want to live and love and I have so much more to give. Please continue healing me. Please bring me some peace.” And then I prayed for others who need healing and peace as well because it really isn’t All. About. Me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I lay my worries at God’s feet and I felt like he listened. I wept and wept and wept. And then I wept some more. I was up very late weeping, but it was good. It was needed. It was the dam bursting, the fever breaking. Lately I’ve been listening to a breast cancer affirmation and visualization that I bought online. I put that in my MP3 player and went to sleep and I woke up tired but not as shaky as I had been because I had talked to God, I had brought ALL of my largest troubles to him for as long as I needed to last night. I didn’t put the wig on this morning; I just put a hat on My Cold Bald Head and headed out for chemo and I wore my new rad t-shirt which everyone loved:
Anyways, my point — and I do have one — is that I guess my dark, tough days were just one of those things, the tough things that you have to go through to get through or whatever that saying is. It’s late and I’m tired and I’m only half making sense. But I did get through it. And I got through today and your wonderful, loving, amazing comments helped heal me and my reaching out to God in prayer helped heal me and wearing a snarky t-shirt helped heal me and so many things helped heal me emotionally. Or at least start to heal me, and a start is much more than where I was.
Last week was tough, I won’t lie; it was just very tough. This week, starting today, I felt like I started to heal emotionally and who’s to say that I’m not also healing physically. In fact, I will say that I am continuing to heal physically. The chemo is working on my body and the love of my family and friends is working on my emotional health and my body. As are the good thoughts and prayers.
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The bottom line, the thing that I need to remember is:
I. Am. Loved.
And that, my friends, is stronger than any cancer cell in the world.
So, go to hell, Cancer, no one loves you.
But me?
Well, I don’t want to brag, but . . . .
I seem to have people who love me coming out of the woodwork, as they say . . . .
and me . . . well, I’m letting them . . . .
and I’m loving them back. 
