I’m happy today. Content.
Nate and I went to church. I told my Sunday School class where I am, that the cancer has metastasized to the liver, but that I’ll be doing chemotherapy once/week, that between medicine and prayers I am very hopeful. That people do beat this.
And I told them a story about an amazing woman I met at the Atlanta airport, someone who I believe God put there at the exact moment that I needed to meet her. I need to be able to put this story in words and I’ll write a post about it. It’s very profound, it touched me deeply, and it changed my prayers from ones where I was trying to control the outcome of what would happen with the liver biopsy to prayers of two words — Thy will — said over and over and over again, mostly because I couldn’t think of what other words of prayer to say. The words gave me such a sense of peace that I really didn’t fall apart when I got the news that the biopsy was positive. Of course, I wasn’t happy about it. But as I said to Frank, “I’m not on the floor, I’m not crying, falling apart. I don’t quite get it.” As one of my fellow Sunday school friends said:
That’s because God was holding you up.
I have to find the words to explain this story — this woman, her words, the impact she’s made on my life. It’s beyond amazing. A few women in the class were in tears at the end of my story. I’ll get it down, I will, but it’s important that I get it right.
Just know that since I met her and her words reached my heart, I’ve let go of holding on so tightly to the outcome of everything and have just given over to God. I’m letting him hold me up. I’m letting him carry me. I’m letting him give me the peace that I had been so desperately seeking and the irony of peace is that you can’t chase it; it’s when you stop chasing it and sit still and give your life over to God that you get it.
So in spite of everything, in spite of how dark things may seem, I’m fine. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my moments, but overall I’m OK. And a lot of the time, I’m more than OK.
I’m still feeling loved. Incredibly, deeply loved. I’m strengthened by that love, by the prayers and good thoughts of everyone.
So keep them coming.
And thank you.
